Why Saying "Good Job" Is Bad For Your Kids

"I compliment everything my son does, but he still lacks confidence."
"I tell my daughter she is so smart. But she just keeps on saying she is stupid."
"Whenever my son listens, I say, "Good job!" and he just says "Is it really a good job?"

In the past 20 years parenting experts have bombarded parents with the need to compliment their children so that children will have the all important ingredient in leading a satisfying and happy life- "self-esteem." Those same professionals are now finding that the Self-Esteem movement of the past few years has backfired. Telling a child, "Good job." or "You are so smart" doesn't do the trick. Children do not respond well to praise, it makes them uncomfortable and anxious. The problem with this type of praise is that it teaches children to rely on others to judge their actions. They must meet other people's standards for them or risk disapproval.

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Instead, it is better if we give children tools to assess their own behavior. We need to acknowledge what they have done in a way that highlights their achievements and expands their awareness of their own skills.

For example, if a child has helped you unpack from your family trip:
Instead of: "You are such a big help"
Say: "I really appreciate your help. This went a lot quicker with 2 people unpacking. I know you didn't really feel like unpacking and I appreciate that you did it anyway."

If your child built a tall tower of blocks:
Instead of: "You are the best builder!"
Say: "You figured out that the bigger blue blocks should go on the bottom and the smaller red blocks go on top. You learned how to build a tall tower."

If your child waited for his turn on the computer:
Instead of: "You are so patient!"
Say:"You waited your turn for computer patiently. You kept yourself busy drawing pictures so it wouldn't be so hard to wait."

Acknowledging children's behavior in this way will help your child develop a positive self-concept. You are actually painting them pictures of their accomplishments and their capabilities. Faber and Mazlish, the authors of "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen", say it eloquently, "You can take away 'good boy' by saying 'bad boy' the next day. But you can't ever take away from him the time he cheered his mother with a get-well card, or the time he stuck with his work and persevered even if he was very tired. These moments, when his best was affirmed, become life-long touchstones to which a child can return in times of doubt or discouragement. In the past he did something he was proud of. He has it within him to do it again."

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Why Saying "Good Job" Is Bad For Your Kids

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